The invasion began three decades ago.
Everyone else was at work despite the snow-covered roads. I felt pressure to be there so I bundled up my oldest and headed down the road. I drove for miles without any issues until I rounded a shady curve on an exit ramp to I-85. We slid to the side of the road. As I was getting out of my car to meet a gentleman who had stopped to help, a woman driving too fast for conditions skated around the curve and plowed into my car. In turn, my car hit me and I landed in a nearby gully and the car, along with my eight-month-old son, sailed down the ramp. The policeman said if he’d not been in a car seat he would’ve been thrown from the vehicle. {Thank You, Lord}
Fear laid low like a crouching tiger for two years. Then one night while driving in a rainstorm an eighteen-wheeler crept into my lane causing me to swerve. In an instant, fear lept into action. Over the years, the severity increased. Driving or riding on highways, it didn’t matter. I started avoiding all highways, then busy roads, then bridges and tunnels.
Fear is never satisfied⏤it always desires more, invading the abundant life God desires for us.
I’ve missed out-of-town birthdays, trips to my husband’s hometown in DC, and early on, even a few family beach outings. Truth is, I’ve missed out on much more⏤but even I can’t bear to admit how much.
At one point, I considered stepping away from teaching adult Bible studies, something I’d done for over twenty years. Guilt pursued me whispering how can you call yourself a Bible teacher when you struggle with all these fears? Recognizing this voice was not from God but still feeling the weight of the accusation, I sought counsel from a wise scholar of the Word. He helped to infiltrate my weary soul with a soaking of grace⏤something I’m quick to offer to others but sometimes slow to offer to myself.
I began keeping a journal of God’s faithfulness. When a difficult trip came up, I wrote it down. Sometimes the sentence was as simple as Lord, help me drive to the grocery store in the storm. Every time God chose to miraculously clear the skies or the roads, I gained confidence. And on those days when the skies refused to clear or a kiss from the back bumper left me rattled, I found comfort in knowing God was there, allowing it for my ultimate good.
Almost two years ago, in an effort to move closer to our grandchildren and to the mountains, we considered leaving our beloved century-old home and the city we’d lived in for twenty-five years. Leaving everyone and everything I knew to move an hour away (which was approximately 55 minutes outside my comfort zone) was overwhelming at times. But during the process, we found a home perched on a hill with a spectacular view of the mountains. The only downside was the drive to civilization. Instead of taking five minutes to reach the closest Starbucks (is there a better point of reference?), it would require twenty. Yep, a 40-minute round trip for a grandi-licious cup of coffee.
Fear tempted me to re-think the move. I had enough trouble driving around the corner on rainy days. How could I even think of driving twenty minutes to anywhere? But I had allowed fear to invade too much of my life already. I refused to let it determine we where we lived.
With the words, Enough is enough! the heavy strike of my foot hit the dirt, claiming my right to freedom.
We moved to that house on four acres with a mountain view a little over a year ago. It is an act of faith to drive forty minutes on a two-lane road dotted with roadside crosses but it feels like a kick in the enemy’s shin every single time I do it.
Another shin-kick was dealt at Disney last November. While there, Brian insisted I make a list of everything that tested my anxiety on the trip⏤but did anyway, even if done so poorly. (Let’s just say I WILL ride something on the next trip!) When I returned home, I made the list. Words flowed effortlessly, as did the tears. Mini-victories measured 8-1/2″ x 11″ that day. And as the victories increase, so will the pages. Each one reminding me of God’s desire to live abundantly and that He is here, with me, in the struggle as well as the victories.
Journaling our mini-victories over fear reminds us of God's faithfulness, giving us the courage to take another step toward freedom. Share on X
Friends, I wish I could end this post in true David and Goliath style. But my fears aren’t totally slain, or honestly, even close. I can, however, say that with every small declaration against fear, freedom gains ground.
And I suppose this is where victory over fear begins for us all.
I covet your prayers on this journey. Maybe I’m not alone. Is there some way I can pray for you?
I’ve not been in a wreck like yours but struggled for years with driving over bridges and on the interstate. When I was 40, I wanted to go to a women’s conference and for the first time, drove on the interstate. God helped me, though I was terrified, going through Birmingham. I’m still not comfortable on the interstate but I can do it and have planned a trip to a writer’s retreat in May, all the way on the interstate.
You’re an inspiration, Jennifer! I love that you persevered despite the fear. I hope the retreat you’re referring to is the Blue Ridge Conference in May. I’d love to see you there! Thank you for sharing. 🙂
Oh Cathy… thank you for being so transparent. Your experiences (and the step-by-step guide to freedom) just might help someone else dealing with severe anxiety. I can relate to every word written here. The circumstances are different, but the fear and panic attacks are the same. It is so hard to explain to others who haven’t gone through it. We look fine on the outside, but inside we’re torn to shreds at times. I have found much freedom (through the power of the cross and the strength of God’s Word), yet I still battle these demons sometimes. But each time I push and shove my way through the crowd and touch the hem of Jesus’ garment, I feel the tender touch of His healing hands upon my weak and frail body. We can do it little by little. I hope you have inspired someone to seek healing with this debilitating ailment. And BTW, my sister had panic attacks on the freeway and won’t drive them either. I’ve told her that she is limiting herself. I just wish she knew Jesus like you and I do… because it’s only in that place where true freedom lies. Keep speaking truth, dear friend.
Thank you for taking the time to share, Sheryl. “Fine on the outside, but inside we’re torn to shreds” nails it. For years, I kept all of this inside due to guilt over knowing Jesus and still struggling to enter an exit ramp. But God is at work and I will be praying for your sister as well. Love to you, my friend!
When we lived in Charlotte, Vickie was driving with our son in a car seat in the back on a busy four lane road. The semi in front of her stopped and put it in reverse.
It’s still a struggle. She hates the highways or anywhere with trucks. We have a deep prayer before a trip. Maybe that’s why it happened.
Thanks for sharing, Tim. My husband and I also pray before trips for the same reason. I’ll be praying for Vickie. Blessings!
I relate to this post, Cathy. A few years ago, I slid on an ice and snow-covered highway in the Virginia mountains. My SUV went into a tail-spin and into the ditch. Thankfully, I wasn’t hurt and no other vehicles were involved. But as I sat there waiting for help to arrive, people were off the road everywhere I could see. And large trucks went way too fast by me, so I went into a full blown panic attack that someone would hit me. That day panic set in and stayed with me for every time I drove on the interstate, especially during rain or snow. I, too, missed out on going places out of fear. I constantly checked the weather for upcoming travel (and still do this), even going so far as to reschedule appointments just in case a thunderstorm or snow came earlier than predicted. And while I still have to rein my heart back to God’s protection over me, it’s a constant battle to not go back into bondage. I memorized 2 Timothy 1:7, “God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power and love and sound mind.” If fear doesn’t come from God that means it comes from the enemy. I don’t want him gaining any more ground or victories in my life with fear. Now I pray for protection and also offer up thanks to God for His safe shelters. Journaling about it is a wonderful idea. So sorry this is a long note. 🙂
No apologies necessary, Karen! I’m so appreciative. It’s an odd place to be — not wanting others to suffer what we suffer and yet, being comforted in some odd way by it. I also check the weather before going any distance outside my comfort zone. Joining you in prayer to achieve victory over our fears. Thank you for sharing. I had no idea that anyone else had experienced some of the same things.
Good morning, Cathy, you speak so truthfully of fear, that is “never satisfied”. Though I have shed many from my life without God, I am still battling some with Him. Praying now for Spirit to remind us both of the times we may miss of His faithfulness.
Yes and amen, Julie! Joining you in this prayer my friend. Thank you for sharing. 🙂
Cathy,
Thanks for your honest sharing. We all have our fears and I love the idea of journaling the victories, no matter how small. We must remind ourselves constantly…fear is not from God! That’s not what He desires for us. And yes, you’re so right – fear holds us back from so many good things.
Keep giving those shin-kicks! I’ll think of that in my own struggles with fear…good swift kicks to the enemy : )
Thanks for the encouragement, Cynthia! I’m kicking away! 🙂 Hope to see you at Blue Ridge.
“Truth is, I’ve missed out on much more⏤but even I can’t bear to admit how much.” I allowed fear to steal many things for many years. I was a believer shrouded in shame for my fear. But thankfully, the Lord taught me that we gain freedom by choosing faith everyday! Loved this post and your honesty. Blessings, dear friend.
Thank you for sharing, Gail. Knowing others who’ve struggled but continued to gain freedom is incredibly inspiring. Bless you, friend!
Cathy, I’m stalking your site. First of all you cannot be old enough to have grandchildren, you look 19. Fear is a horrid thing. At 4 years old I saw our granddaughter starting to walk in fear, like her mom and I knew I had to stop it before it took root. We began practicing “doing it afraid.” Today, she is a 21 year old Liberty University junior about to take her first international trip to Israel. #nofear #courageous We have a theme song we sing whenever fear wants to creep in, “Be bold, be strong, for the Lord your God goes with you. Be bold. Be strong!!!” ♫♫♫ I am excited to watch the journey of the “little house.” I’m a tad jealous!!!
You’re definitely my new best friend. ha! *wink* Thank you for the encouraging words — and you couldn’t be more right. Fear is a horrid thing. Just last year I began seeing signs that said something similar to the mantra you share with your granddaughter, “Do it Afraid.” It’s actually one of the things that got me to Disney last year. I love that you were able to take hold of fear before it took hold of you and your granddaughter. This is what I pray for my grands as well.
And I look forward to having you along for the tiny house journey, my friend! Blessings!!!
It’s a delight to read about your victories here and the way you show the Lord leading onward. Your victories are encouragements of proof that the is by our side. Write on!
Thank you, my friend. To God be the glory!