No one goes around looking to strike up a hard conversation.
And yet, I’m not sure we can expect to walk fully in light of the gospel without a willingness to do it. Thankfully, people like Lori Roeleveld are able to take not-so-comfortable conversations and break them into hearty, but bite-sized morsels.
For almost a decade, I’ve watched Lori’s life beautifully reflect her zeal for God and His Word. She’s the real deal and I’m honored to have her guest post today. In typical Lori fashion, she went above and beyond by offering an autographed copy of The Art of Hard Conversations to one blessed recipient. For now, be blessed as you read directly from Lori’s heart because that’s the kind of writer she is.
If you’re anything like me, my prayer preparation for any conversation that I anticipate may be challenging or uncomfortable used to sound like this. “Please make this go away. Don’t make me be the one to discuss this. Please send someone else.” (Total transparency – sometimes they still sound like that.)
I comforted myself in that it sounded a lot like Moses, but really it was my “turtle” self, longing to escape my responsibility to speak truth, share my faith, encourage a struggling believer, or resolve a conflict.
Through years of engaging in all manner of hard conversations, I’ve learned that most effective ones begin with showing up for a “hard conversation” with God.
This is where I pour my heart out to Him in prayer about the situation first. I read relevant passages of Scripture and sit quietly while He helps me sort through my feelings, the facts, His truth, and my love for the other person in order to inform my approach, timing, and words.
There are many, many times when this time of prayer is the end of the matter. This is usually when I’ve taken some offense or harbor self-righteous anger about a situation. As I confess emotions that aren’t based in His Word and read what Scripture has to say about my words, I often realize that the log in my own eye is most of the problem.
Other times, this period of prayer highlights a lack of love on my part.
Love lapses are responsible for much of our lack of evangelism, internal church conflict, even family struggles. Too often, I try to operate solely from a foundation of my own human affection. God prods me, always, to rely on His perfect love to infuse me and inform my relationships with others, as described in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. This gets worked out in this time of prayer.
Always, this time of prayer reduces my fear and reminds me of God’s presence with me and His desire to include me in His work. That’s exciting! Hard conversations may begin as a painful exercise, but often, they are the vehicles of transformation and breakthrough God desires and how blessed are we to be witness to that!
When I feel there may be a hard conversation in my future with another person, I pray for God to give me His heart for that person and let me see them through His eyes. I pray for their heart to be fertile soil and for God to go before my words to prepare the way. I pray for the right opportunity and timing to appear with clarity and favor. And, I ask God to remove any barriers in me and in the other person that may interfere with communication and with God’s Work in our hearts.
Preparatory prayer is as vital for hard conversations as it is at the beginning of any worthy endeavor.
If you anticipate a challenging chat – being open with someone about your faith or biblically-informed belief, confronting sin, working through a conflict, or sharing tough news – commit to daily prayer leading up to your tough talk.
Show up with God unguarded.
Read the Psalms and see how David exposed his messy heart to God in prayer. Doing this with friends is unproductive and sometimes sinful. Doing it with God is life-altering. Admit your anger, envy, self-righteousness, fear, or even your lack of faith that the conversation will make any difference. Receive His forgiveness and correction, knowing we all must keep growing until we are home with Him.
Keep the Word of God open before you and read several passages that pertain to the topic of your conversation or about what God expects of our words (such as James 1:19-25 or James 4:13-18). Confess thoughts or emotions that are not in line with God’s expectations for believers. Then pray those Scriptures for the person with whom you hope to speak.
Ask for God’s wisdom and then believe He’ll provide it.
Ask for Him to clearly provide an opportunity to speak and then, watch for it. Be persistent in prayer and see what God will do when you take the risk of engaging in an uncomfortable conversation to speak His truth into someone’s life.
Too often, I think everything there is to know about a situation is what I can see. Prayer reminds me there is an entire dimension – the spiritual realm – that is at work. It’s strengthening, encouraging, and informing when I connect with that dimension in prayer before I engage in conversation – hard or otherwise.
Do you want your next hard conversation to be effective? Show up for the first hard conversation by praying and inviting God into a tough talk with you. Then, watch how the adventure unfolds.
To enter for an autographed copy of The Art of Hard Conversations, simply leave a comment below. A winner will be selected randomly on Sunday, March 3rd. Thank you for sharing a few minutes of your day in the Tiny House on the Hill.
Thanks for sharing this. Lori’s book is one I definitely need to read!
Definitely, Josie! It’s soooooo good. Thanks for stopping by! 🙂
Hi Josie! It was definitely a book I needed to write!
Beautiful post! I would love to add the book to my collection!
Thank you for taking the time to stop by, Tammy. It’s definitely a keeper. 🙂 Blessings!
Thank you, Tammy!
I loved reading this post and learning more about your new book, Lori. I have to admit that those hard conversations are something I struggle with more today than I did two decades ago. I love your approach of preparing in prayer.
Thanks for sharing, Vie. Blessings!
We all struggle with them, Vie, even if we have them easily, they can always be more effective.
I love this idea of hard conversations. We all have them. We all need to have them. And we all tend to run from them. I’m looking forward to Lori’s wisdom on this topic.
That’s one thing I know when I pick up a Lori Roeleveld book — it will be chock-full of godly wisdom. Thanks so much for sharing!
Thank you Lori. I appreciate your reminding us that the beginning of a hard conversation starts with my personal conversation with God. I look forward to reading your book.
Prepare to be blessed! Thanks for sharing, Marilyn. Blessings!
Marilyn, He is the genesis of all fruitful hard conversations.
Glad to see Lori stop by your blog. I think she has a knack for starting hard conversations and sometimes I’m brave enough to listen. It can be convicting. I’m crawling back in my shell now.
Ha! I hear you, Daphne. Thanks for crawling out of the shell to share. 🙂 Can’t wait to see you in May!
Daphne, you’re so funny! So, I’m guessing you’re a turtle – one of the three personality types I mention in my book.
Thank you, Cathy and Lori. This is a much needed book.
And love this thought, “Preparatory prayer is as vital for hard conversations as it is at the beginning of any worthy endeavor.” Yes, so true.
As a pastor’s wife, women’s ministry leader, and so on (even with my family), hard conversations need to happen. Avoiding them like the plague never works. 😉
That’s so true, Karen, and boy! I have tried. I think it’s about having our fears in order. We need to be more afraid of disobeying God than of any hard conversation. Believe me, they’re worth it.
Thank you for this. It lays out such a wonderful, honest plan BEFORE entering in those difficult conversations. Thank you for sharing.
I agree, Loretta. Preparing for the battle is key in handling it wisely. Thanks for taking the time to share. 🙂
I’m the turtle who typically runs from confrontation, but recently had a very hard conversation with a couple of family members. It was through a lengthy letter rather than face to face. Much prayer preceded the letter. God was faithful. Your book is a much-needed tool in the body of Christ.
Thanks for sharing, Andrea. I tend to write some of my most difficult conversations as well.
Thank you!
That was one of my favorite thoughts too, Karen. Thank you for sharing!
I love the way you describe it, Loretta! Must be a writer somewhere in you!
Well written! Makes me want to read your new book even more! May God continue to bless your writings and ministry. In His Love,
Sheri D
You won’t be disappointed, Sheri. 🙂 Thank you for sharing!
And may He bless yours as well, Sheri!
YES. I had to give my copy of The Art of Hard Conversations to someone else. I can hardly wait to get my hands on my new copy. GREAT STUFF I need in my Tool Kit for Life. Thanks to both of you ladies. <3 <3
It’s a must for your Tool Kit for Life. 🙂 So good!
You’re adorable, Sandra. Thanks!
Everyone faces moments when a difficult conversation must happen. Lori speaks with authenticity and authority supplying us with information and tools for those times.
I couldn’t agree more, Jan! Thanks for stopping by. 🙂
Thank you, Jan
Oh, what a timely topic! Living in NYS, it seems to be the norm to continually face hard conversations. I need this book!
I’m sorry to hear that, Cynthia, but I’m thankful for people like you who are willing to face those conversations in wisdom. Blessings!
We all do.
Lori, you are absolutely, positively, most assuredly on target with your guidance. I have experienced quite a few hard conversations, and the longer I follow Christ the more I encounter opportunity to engage with God and others concerning hard topics. May your labor of love and obedience reach many for the glory of our Father. Thank you, Cathy for giving Lori a place for her voice to be heard. God’s blessings on each of you and on those who choose to have those hard conversations.
It’s an honor to have you both share words of wisdom here, Charla. Blessings!
“Prayer reminds me there is an entire dimension – the spiritual realm – that is at work.” Oh, so true! Thank you, Lori. I look forward to reading this book. A much-needed resource!
Thanks for taking the time to share, Leigh Ann! Blessings!
My heart quakes at the thought of some hard conversations! Thank you for writing this book to help us through!
Thanks for taking the time to stop by, Angie. I have a feeling you’re in the majority when it comes to quaking at the thought of some conversations. 🙂