Seeking it in the wrong places {spouse, children, job, fame, employer) eventually crushes us.
But finding it in the right Person? It can will change your life.
I know because I’ve sought validation all my life⏤maybe everyone does. First from our parents as defined by two words, “Watch this!” Then, the teenage years hit and we find ourselves dressing a certain way or cutting our hair to appease our peers. Of course, when someone, let’s just say a friend, mistakenly uses spray deodorant instead of hairspray in preparation for a big date, the outfit doesn’t really matter all that much. *wink*
For years, I attended the Blue Ridge Mountains Christians Writers Conference in hopes of being validated as a writer. I soaked up knowledge, received life-bearing words from Donn Taylor, and even won a few awards along the way. But within weeks {sometimes hours} of returning home, the confidence fizzled.
So I thought I was all validated up after learning to rest in my calling. But…
It’s no secret I’d made a mess of my life by the time I was twenty-seven. I’ve shared my testimony in churches, quiet bible studies, and throughout different posts on my blog like this snippet. The boys were young then, two and six. As they grew older and became husbands and fathers the shame I felt all those years ago began to re-surface in subtle ways.
One particular way the enemy sharpened the sword of shame was to point out how “normal” mothers, like most of my friends, deserved unconditional love, acceptance, and respect from their children⏤but not me. I quietly accepted the sentence of being less-than as part of my consequences for making sinful choices that had directly affected their lives.
And yet, what mother doesn’t desire all of these things from her children?
Without realizing it, I sought their validation in hopes of being accepted as an imperfect-but-flawed-mother-who-loves-them-to-pieces.
Then this happened.
Last week, while alone for a stretch of days, this need for validation from my sons came to light. I knew I didn’t feel this way because of something the boys had done or said⏤it came instead from my desire to be understood and loved unconditionally, whether I deserved it or not. I prayed, not exactly sure what to do with my newfound knowledge. And then, in a way I can’t explain but can only confirm, the Lord “spoke” loud and clear:
Your validation⏤Your acceptance as a mother⏤is found in Me, not your boys.
I sat stunned for a few moments as tears fell and joy arose.
This truth⏤that your ultimate validation and mine are grounded in the acceptance we have in Jesus⏤frees us to be the wife, mother, grandmother, sister, and friend God always intended us to be.
Is there some area in your life where you’re seeking validation and coming up empty? The One who knows you⏤really knows you⏤says:
I delight in you. (Psalm 149:4)
I sing over you. (Zephaniah 3:17)
I am for you, not against you. (Romans 8:31)
You are the apple of my eye. (Psalm 17:8)
I forgive you and will remember your sins no more. (Hebrews 8:12)
Well, now is the right time to listen, the day to be helped. Don’t put it off; don’t frustrate God’s work by showing up late, throwing a question mark over everything we’re doing. Our work as God’s servants gets validated—or not—in the details. People are watching us as we stay at our post, alertly, unswervingly . . . in hard times, tough times, bad times; when we’re beaten up, jailed, and mobbed; working hard, working late, working without eating; with pure heart, clear head, steady hand; in gentleness, holiness, and honest love; when we’re telling the truth, and when God’s showing his power; when we’re doing our best setting things right; when we’re praised, and when we’re blamed; slandered, and honored; true to our word, though distrusted; ignored by the world, but recognized by God; terrifically alive, though rumored to be dead; beaten within an inch of our lives, but refusing to die; immersed in tears, yet always filled with deep joy; living on handouts, yet enriching many; having nothing, having it all.
Dear, dear Corinthians, I can’t tell you how much I long for you to enter this wide-open, spacious life. We didn’t fence you in. The smallness you feel comes from within you. Your lives aren’t small, but you’re living them in a small way. I’m speaking as plainly as I can and with great affection. Open up your lives. Live openly and expansively! 2 Corinthians 6:3-13 The Message
Fellow seekers of this wide-open, spacious life:
May we find our worth, our confidence, and our rest in the assurance that we are validated by our heavenly Father who cleansed us, forgave us, and breathed new life into our lungs the moment we confessed our sins.
All I wanted to do was study my Bible that morning.
I’d eaten breakfast early and washed the dishes before sitting down to have some study time before we headed to church. Brian likes to sleep in whenever possible but on this particular morning, he woke up a little earlier than expected. When I say earlier, what I really mean to say is that he woke up just as I’d started my study. I greeted him with, “Good morning!” and then quickly glanced back at my study, trying to dodge the question I knew was coming next: “What did you eat for breakfast, i.e., what can you make me for breakfast?”
Let’s see. When I was fixing breakfast say, oh, two hours ago, it was eggs and toast. If you choose not to get up when the cook is cooking, you can make your way to the pantry, pour a nutritious bowl of Wheaties, sprinkle a little All Bran on top for good measure, drizzle a bit of honey around the edges and add a splash of Vitamin D milk. Enjoy!
Okay, so I didn’t say that⏤but it’s exactly what I thought while making his breakfast. After finishing up in the kitchen, I returned to my table to continue the study. I turned the page, and there it was in all of its convicting glory. The story of Jesus and the miraculous catch, found in John 21. It begins:
Early in the morning, Jesus stood on the shore, but the disciples did not realize that it was Jesus.
He called out to them, “Friends, haven’t you any fish?”
In John 21, we find Jesus appearing to His disciples for the third time after His resurrection. Peter was feeling like a failure, floundering to regain confidence in his calling, so he did what everyone should do when struggling in life. He went fishing. And the disciples joined him. Jesus called out to them from the shore but they didn’t recognize him. It wasn’t until He called out to them that John recognized His voice. Peter eagerly wrapped his outer garment around him and swam to shore. The disciples weren’t far behind in the boat.
When they landed, they saw a fire of burning coals there with fish on it and some bread.
Jesus said to them, “Bring some of the fish you have just caught.”So Simon Peter climbed back into the boat and dragged the net ashore. It was full of large fish, 153, but even with so many, the net was not torn.
Jesus said to them, “Come and have breakfast.” None of the disciples dared ask him, “Who are you?” They knew it was the Lord.Jesus came, took the bread and gave it to them, and did the same with the fish.
Oh, to be more like Jesus. His servant’s heart threaded thirty-three years together for the Father’s glory. He came to serve, from beginning to end.
Even when conviction stings like it did that morning, I marvel at the Holy Spirit’s methods. There’s a vast difference between godly conviction and the enemy’s accusations, sometimes referred to as condemnation. When I re-played the Sunday morning fiasco in my mind the following day, I realized a battle was waging beneath it all. The battle between conviction and condemnation. It looked something like this:
The Voice of Condemnation:
You’re a lousy wife.
You’re lazy.
Why do you bother studying the bible if you can’t even act {or react} properly?
If you were more organized you could’ve prepared his breakfast ahead of time and put it in the fridge.
The Voice of Conviction:
Did you respond with a servant attitude?
{While reading John 21} See, Cathy, this is the way.
Remember what we read last week about not only thinking of your interests but also the interests of others?
Hmm, this could be a blog post. {Okay, maybe this was me, but I was hoping to help others avoid my foolish mistakes!}
So, I decided to jot down the subtle yet vast differences between the voices of conviction and condemnation. I put five of the many differences in an infographic to save or print for future reference if you wish. {The link to the downloaded version is below the graphic and is clearer than the image below.}
Have you experienced the battle between the two “C”‘s as I did that Sunday morning?
As we begin building our tiny house, I’m learning that one of the first things that must be determined is the foundation.
There are options, after all. If you want to travel with your tiny house, you’d opt for a trailer. If you want the option to move it at some point in the future, it would most likely be built on blocks or some other propped up way. And if you’re serious about staying where you live, you might cement that sucker to the ground.
Although we don’t have any plans to move in the future, we chose to use cement blocks for a couple of reasons. One is the flexibility to move it and secondly, it is much more cost efficient than a concrete pad.
So, a couple of Saturdays ago, Brian and I trekked our way up the hill to determine where the tiny house would go. We took into consideration three things:
The view from my desk
How we could avoid blocking the pool view
How to allow sufficient room for a future picket fence {framing old-timey flowers!}
It’s times like these when I’m reminded how blessed I am to be married to an engineer. While he was spouting out mathematical equations in an effort to get the corners square, I was sipping coffee thinking how much easier it would be to line things up by eye. I guess you could say the tiny house falls under that blessing as well.
If you follow me on Instagram you might have noticed a red element in every tiny image. In the photo above, I wrapped the measurements in red in hopes of making it easier to visualize the perimeter of the house (9′ x 16′ + 4′ for the front porch.)
Determining the placement of the house, nailing down stakes, tying strings, leveling, and measuring took several hours but it’s worth the time. If the foundation is off, everything else will be as well.
The next to-do was not nearly as much fun, especially for the hubster. He dug down into the southern red clay a few inches around each block, added gravel and stacked flat solid concrete blocks as close to the level string as possible. I enjoyed hauling off the dirt in the wheelbarrow. It reminded me of days when I spent a lot of time working in the yard. And my back reminded me the following morning why I need more exercise.
Finally, the leveling is done. What made this Saturday workday so special was having my dad come over to help. Can you believe he’s 76? Growing up, we enjoyed doing a lot of projects together. We planted tomatoes and peppers in the backyard greenhouse, cared for an organic garden (before organic was cool), and fished on red banks of clay. I’m thankful the memories continue to build as we work on the tiny house together.
Dad gave me a firm foundation for life and now I see how this also ties into the building of my #lilredwritinghouse.
Structural integrity is required for life and tiny houses alike. Without it, there will be little to show for it in the end.
Thank you for joining me on this journey! If you’re not following me on Instagram, I’d love to meet you there @cathysbaker. And if you missed the backstory post to this tiny journey, you can read it here. Once a month, I also create a newsletter that includes a column called Tiny Tidbits. In it, I share behind-the-scenes tidbits that aren’t told anywhere else. Receive your copy by simply adding your email address in the sidebar slot on my blog. You can unsubscribe at any time.
Is there something in particular about the journey you’d like to know or see? I’d love to read your comments!
Only a handful of years had passed since my divorce when I studied the book of James. My heart was raw, as were my tears. Wet ink melted onto more than one page in my Bible but one verse stood out:
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.” James 1:2, 3 [emphasis mine]
James says when we face trials, not if. Trials are a given this side of heaven. I recognized how this truth not only beat true for my life, but also for others, for those we love.
It’s because of this that I wanted to serve on the launch team for God in the Dark, by Sarah Van Diest. I believe this book puts feet to 2 Corinthians 1:3,4:
“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”
Today’s giveaway offers you the opportunity to share God in the Dark with someone in your life in need of comfort.
I met Sarah Van Diest at the Blue Ridge Mountains Christian Writers Conference several years ago. Her quick smile coupled with an old poetic soul told me we would surely be friends. I am honored to welcome her to our creative community.
Sarah, what was the first experience that opened your eyes to the power of words? What gave you the idea to send letters to someone who is struggling?
These two questions go hand in hand for me. The first gave rise to the second. I fell in love with words and the pictures they created in school. In a class with a teacher who loved words, we learned how to journal and I realized words created a safe place for me. But it wasn’t until I was asked to write letters to people who were going on mission trips with our church when I learned the power those beloved words held to impact others.
We called them Barnabas Letters. For each person on the team, and for each day, those of us who were so inclined wrote a letter of encouragement, which the team packed in their bags for their journey. So each day of the trip, each person had a letter to read. I loved this idea. And then on my first mission trip, around the age of 14, I couldn’t wait for my very own Barnabas Letters to open and read. I loved how each letter was so different. The handwriting, or type, or crayon color, whatever they used to bring their idea of encouragement to the page was like a window into their world. I loved them so much! And I thought about their words all day long.
As I grew, I continued this way of encouraging people in my life, especially when I couldn’t be with them or there was nothing tangible I could do to mend their circumstances. It was out of this practice that the book, God in the Dark, was born.
What’s one thing God taught you while writing this book?
I used Psalm 119 as the framework for this set of letters and in those verses I was reminded of the blessing the Psalms are. God was so kind to give them to us. They show humanity is such honest light, and we relate. We see a man who feels the pain, even anguish, of this life and who is trying with all his might to remain faithful. That sounds so familiar. And then we see the Father’s faithfulness to him – regardless of the psalmist’s “success” at remaining faithful himself.
I needed this reminder.
What has it been like to be on the other side of the publishing road?
I’ve been an editor and an agent, but I had never been an author. This was new for me. On the editor side, I was deeply connected with the content of the book, invested in the message and whether it was well conveyed. As an agent, I was committed to my authors. Supporting them was my number one goal and priority. Both of these endeavors were good and worthwhile.
What I had never experienced before in the professional realm was the direct impact of words I had written on the hearts of readers. The way the Lord has already used the work in God in the Dark has been something I have witnessed firsthand in the lives of many on my launch team. I have been in awe throughout the process of this launch. I had no idea.
I am forever grateful for the chance to have this reach into the hearts and lives of fellow sojourners.
{Thank you, Sarah!}
Is there some way Sarah and I can pray for you today? Or is there a particular part of the post that speaks to you?
We hope you’ll enter the giveaway for the hardback copy of God in the Dark. Simply leave a comment! The winner, chosen by Random Name Picker, will be notified this Friday, April 6th.
Sarah Van Diest is a writer and editor. She’s the mother of two boys, stepmother to three, and wife to David. Sarah wrote this book as letters to a dear friend whose life was turning upside down. She’s done this for years for numerous friend and will continue to, Lord willing. It’s her gift them. It’s hope written down.
I want it to be different than the year before⏤you know, the way I go about celebrating the Christmas season.
Every December begins the mad dash to buy gifts, decorate rooms, pick out a fresh Christmas tree, make never-ending grocery lists, mail invitations, start new traditions and bake favorite foods.
And yet, one thing I’ve learned this year is that if I don’t take a few minutes each day to move me closer to necessary changes, nothing happens⏤nothing changes.
“If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you always got.” – Albert Einstein
So, before the hoopla of the season hijacks the days of our December, let us consider small but specific ways to settle the soul and savor the beauty of our Savior.
Step outside for five minutes.
Depending on our season in life, this may mean stepping out while little ones nap or watch a favorite Christmas movie. It may require a bundling process but we can do this. Inhale and take in all God has for you. Thank Him. May we see⏤really see⏤our surroundings and remember the humble beginning of our Savior.
Look for Christ and you will find Him. And with Him, everything else. – C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity
Read and meditate.
If possible, read from your hard copy instead of the phone. Intentionally slow down to ponder God-breathed words as you listen to crisp vellum-thin pages turn one by one. Click here to access Daily December Scripture Readings if structure is your friend (we’re BFF’s, by the way!) Obviously, longer reads are ideal but if given the choice to glaze over a chapter or indulge in a hand-full of verses, I’ll choose the latter any day, especially in December.
When they saw the star, they rejoiced exceedingly with great joy. -Matthew 2:10
Savor a favorite cup of coffee or tea.
What does this have to do with settling the soul? On the mornings I choose the sip over the gulp, my day begins on a calmer note. Couple that time with reading scripture, and it becomes both calming and enlightening, for nothing is sweeter than conversing with my heavenly Father over a hot cup of brew. Sometimes I even pull up a nearby chair to remind myself that yes, His presence is that real.
If we could condense all the truths of Christmas into only three words, these would be the words: “God with us.” -John F. MacArthur
Play Christ-centered Christmas music.
I’m a huge Frank Sinatra, Bing Crosby, and Johnny Mathis fan. Tears hit the brim line when I hear these artists at Christmas. Immediately, I’m transported back to my grandmother’s house where her stereo console turned all their albums upstairs while she crafted homemade fudge in the kitchen. Nowadays, we play a variety of music during the Christmas season but mostly our music consists of a few favorites. My absolute favorite artist is Michael Card. I’ve played several of his songs from The Promise in my bible studies throughout the years. A few other favorites are: Behold the Lamb by Andrew Peterson, City on a Hill: It’s Christmas Time by various artists and Windham Hill’s Christmas Solitude, which is instrumental. Its quiet notes quiets the heart. And a quiet heart is a receptive one.
O come, let us adore Him. (Based on Luke 2:15-16)
Light a Candle.
Before bedtime, light a Christmas candle. Marvel at its glow. Reflect on the warmth and the beauty discovered in the flickering light. Inhale and enjoy its fragrance. Close out your day by quietly worshipping the Light of the World who was born on a bed of straw that we might one day walk streets of gold.
I have come into the world as light so that no one who believes me need remain in the dark. – John 12:46
Is there one thing you would plan to change as you move through the days of December? If so, please share!
Subscribers! Watch for your gift scheduled to arrive in your inbox tonight. This e-book offers Christ-centered celebration tips for each day in December leading up to Christmas Eve.
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